Air Traffic Controllers vs. Airline Pilots
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Thread: Air Traffic Controllers vs. Airline Pilots

  1. #1
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Air Traffic Controllers vs. Airline Pilots

    actual conversations between air traffic control and pilots


    Subject: ATC and Pilot communications...



    Actual transmissions from Archives.......

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    _____


    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
    here?"

    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    _____


    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
    bored!"

    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
    immediately!"

    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    _____


    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
    Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
    Fokker in sight."

    _____

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
    to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
    position?"

    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    _____


    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    after touching down.

    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
    the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
    off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    _____


    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
    following:

    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Germany. Why must I speak English?"

    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war!"

    _____


    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
    124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we
    lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
    Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
    copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

    _____


    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
    the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
    around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
    DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
    it all by yourself?"

    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
    zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
    have enough parts for another one."

    _____


    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
    location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
    with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
    exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
    sign: Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    to Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark . . . and I
    didn't land."

    _____


    While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
    departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
    with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
    screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
    right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
    know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
    it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
    hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
    sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
    can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
    you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
    got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
    after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
    the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
    cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown
    pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married
    to you once?"

    elime, admiral and Hoot Gibson like this.
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
    2006 TW200 "Nibbler", a.k.a. “Mr.Gizmo"
    Hidden Content All Things Considered I’ld Rather Be Motorcycling

  2. #2
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    More stories, not mine:A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up."
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
    2006 TW200 "Nibbler", a.k.a. “Mr.Gizmo"
    Hidden Content All Things Considered I’ld Rather Be Motorcycling

  3. #3
    Senior Member elime's Avatar
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    I especially like two of them: "Because you lost the war" and "Twice in 1944 but I didn't land". The one for San Jose airport sounds about right.
    Fred likes this.
    Long live the internal combustion engine!

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  5. #4
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Somehow I thought of you Tony with those three stories. Want more?

    "Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "Fuck!"
    JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fuck?"
    First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say FUCK."
    Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say FUCK."
    Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say FUCK" reply."

    From L Miller (Jan 2010):
    A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."
    A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.
    The late Captain Mickey Munn – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the Red Devils (UK Parachute Regiment display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale.
    (Thanks L Miller for these three wonderful stories.
    elime likes this.
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
    2006 TW200 "Nibbler", a.k.a. “Mr.Gizmo"
    Hidden Content All Things Considered I’ld Rather Be Motorcycling

  6. #5
    Senior Member Blueduce's Avatar
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    Here's a few more an A/P mechanic friend sent me:

    Funny Aircraft Maintenance Reports List of pilot-reported problems and the solutions*the ground crew had for them.

    Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    Solution:*Left inside main tire almost replaced.

    Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
    Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

    Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
    Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

    Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
    Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    Solution: Evidence removed.

    Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

    Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Solution: That's what friction locks are for.

    Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
    Solution: Suspect you're right.

    Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (pilot lingo meaning one of the engines was not running smoothly)
    Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    Problem: Aircraft handles funny
    Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    Problem: Target radar hums.
    Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
    Solution: Cat installed.

    Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    Solution: Took hammer away from midget.
    admiral and Fred like this.

  7. #6
    Banned qwerty's Avatar
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    Even over-regulation can be fun. Why, even God has a sense of humor. Otherwise, we wouldn't have given us teenagers.




  8. #7
    Senior Member Blueduce's Avatar
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    Or dalmatians

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