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  1. #1401
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    Hillary's emails...found!

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    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

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  2. #1402
    Senior Member admiral's Avatar
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    white mule, Xracer, Purple and 2 others like this.
    Hidden Content A ride in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact I'm dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant?

  3. #1403
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Lizard Birth



    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
    was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

    'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

    'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'

    I was equally outraged.

    'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

    'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

    'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

    'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.


    'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

    'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified

    'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

    'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
    It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

    'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

    'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

    'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
    occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.

    'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

    'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

    Lizards lay eggs!
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
    2006 TW200 "Nibbler", a.k.a. “Mr.Gizmo"
    Hidden Content All Things Considered I’ld Rather Be Motorcycling

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  5. #1404
    Senior Member NVcowboy's Avatar
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    That's a Lot Lizard story for the ages Fred. Ernie just need a rub and a tug. AAHHHHHHH!
    If you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk. - Tuco Juan Ramierez aka "The Rat"
    There's 2 kinds of people in this world, those with guns, and those who dig. You dig. - The Man with No Name



    2018 TW200 - LCpl. Rex T. Dubber
    2010 Savage S40 650

  6. #1405
    Junior Member Krakrak's Avatar
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    I'll try to translate a french joke...

    A guy is walking on the sidewalk, and as he aproach an insane asylum he hears them chanting: fourteen! fourteen! fourteen!

    As he gets nearer he tries to look but there's a big wooden fence, he can't see anything.

    He sees a little hole in the fence, so he leans in to see into the hole and BAM! A finger poked him in the eye.

    Then the lunatics begin chanting fifteen! fifteen! fifteen! fifteen!

  7. #1406
    Senior Member old w/??'s Avatar
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    Finally found the right replacement engine for my dub.

    0084.jpg
    littletommy, Darth and Ken like this.

  8. #1407
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Sometimes I think I learned everything I need to know in life way back in Kindergarten.

    all-i-need-to-know-about-twitter-i-learned-at-kindergarten-4-728.jpg
    Ken, buellzebub, Xracer and 2 others like this.
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
    2006 TW200 "Nibbler", a.k.a. “Mr.Gizmo"
    Hidden Content All Things Considered I’ld Rather Be Motorcycling

  9. #1408
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

    Hidden Content

  10. #1409
    Senior Member admiral's Avatar
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    Fred, Purple, Mel and 5 others like this.
    Hidden Content A ride in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact I'm dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant?

  11. #1410
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
    Join Date
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    Location
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    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

    Hidden Content

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