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  1. #1
    Senior Member ssgtrillium's Avatar
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    Message from the Queen

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN


    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
    In light of your failure in recent years...to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    -----------------------
    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
    ------------------------
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
    ----------------------
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    --------------------
    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
    ---------------------
    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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    13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
    God Save the Queen!
    PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
    Purple, Gerry, admiral and 10 others like this.

  2. #2
    Senior Member admiral's Avatar
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    Awesome, I love it. Funny as Heull!

    Last edited by admiral; 03-03-2016 at 09:06 AM.
    TWilight and grewen like this.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Motoad's Avatar
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    I always wondered why you could only get a concealed carry vegetable peeler permit in Canada.
    TWilight, Xracer, admiral and 2 others like this.

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  5. #4
    Senior Member Xracer's Avatar
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    Well they do want out of the E.U. That's a plus. Also I know how to use wanker and git when speaking.
    admiral likes this.

  6. #5
    Senior Member T-Dub Ken's Avatar
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    Tell the Brits to bring it on. We are ready for them. Haven't lost our "Bow" fingers and we've got better toys now then ever. Plus, we ain't pansies.

    Or Panty Waists as my Dad always said.

    Bring it on honey. We can dance just fine.
    T-Dub Ken

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  7. #6
    Senior Member Hidebound's Avatar
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    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    Hooray! That means I won't have to hunt for up to date coverage! Go Scotland!

    cricket.scotland.jpg
    TWilight likes this.
    '01 TW200, '03 Z1000, '09 KLR 650, '13 CRF250L

  8. #7
    Senior Member T-Dub Ken's Avatar
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    Not willing to be a "subject"

    Quote Originally Posted by TWilight View Post
    I, for one, would welcome ALL of those changes...with a smile on my face.
    As I said, we are looking for a Flat or Cottage on the Isle of Man (IOM), which is NOT part of the UK, but is under the sovereignty of the Queen.

    And I too would cheer on Scotland in the cricket matches
    It's a nice thought those Brit's have there but I'm an American and not willing to be a "subject".
    T-Dub Ken

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    Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail Classic 2015
    Moto Guzzi V7 Stone 2015

    Lives in St. Joseph, IL
    Friend of God
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    Lover of all
    Pretty good motorcycle rider
    Doesn't brag too much
    Smiles and laughs a lot
    Loves dogs and cats too

  9. #8
    Senior Member Michael Bryce Winnick's Avatar
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    How do you argue with a country that lets me give the cashier $20.00 and then she gives me $30.00 change.
    TWilight and Dryden-Tdub like this.

  10. #9
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Will the queen host some good reality TV shows?
    "Who Wants to Snog a Duchess" would be a good one.
    2003 TW200 "Betty Boop"
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  11. #10
    Senior Member ssgtrillium's Avatar
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    Or pin the ears on a prince.

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