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Thread: Ballsy...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    Ballsy...

    This was written by one of the honchos on the KLR site I used to hang in...you know, when I had a KLR.
    Some of you may even know "Patman".

    It's long. Too long. But if you're in, you won't regret it.
    OK, don your "Laugh Yer Ass Off" outfit & read on:
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was 6:30 am on New Years Day. Matt and I were waking up to our third day in the Mojave Desert, having driven out from Dallas on our annual pilgrimage to the land of sand and cactus. Already we had ridden most of Lucerne Valley, changed one clutch, one piston, 3 tires, countless sprockets and jets, and certainly our outlook on life. It’s easy to forget about the failing economy and the pressures of the big city when ya spend New Years Eve by a campfire in the desert, that much is for sure.

    Matt and I were the vanguard for our clan’s yearly assault on the AMA’s District 37 season opener to be held over at Red Mountain on weeks end. We had driven out with the big trailer, 100 gallons of race gas and everyone’s bikes, parts and gear. The rest of the guys would meet us at Red Mountain on Friday and Lynn, Matt’s wife, was flying into LAX this afternoon. In fact, Matt was just warming up the big diesel pick-up truck for the trip into Los Angeles to fetch her. The plan was for them to spend the night in town to visit with some local relatives then be back out here tomorrow night for a few more days of riding before the race on Sunday. This means that I had the otherwise cramped trailer and the whole desert to myself for a day or two, plus I wanted to relax a bit and install a new seat cover on the YZ anyway.

    I offered the usual foul salute to Matt as he lumbered off in the big white truck, then I suited up, grabbed the GPS, and headed out for some early morning ‘one on one’ with the sand whoops. Now ya don’t wanna get lost on the wrong side of a mountain out here, so I was content with a couple of short rides here and there throughout the day, punctuated by some lunch, and a hike to the top of the hill we had parked by for some fantastic pictures of our camp and pit area. Having nothing better to do, I decided to see how far I could piss off the side of a mountain, confusing the lizards below into thinking it was raining. Having exhausted all the amusement I could from that, I spent a few minutes yelling into a huge canyon listening for echoes, and throwing rocks… trying to start a rockslide like in the movies. Tiring of this, I took some more pictures and then climbed down to the trailer to prep Lynn’s KDX for her. Finally I got bored with being by myself, and decided to build a fire and have a relaxing evening under the stars.

    Ya know, with the exception of the wind blowing through the Joshua trees, and the crackling of the firewood, you wouldn’t believe how quiet it is out in the desert at night. Or how bright the stars are, it’s awesome. So I sat by the fire, watched a meteor shower, drank some beer, and stretched and stapled a new seat cover onto the Yamaha’s extra firm seat foam. I must say that it came out pretty good, except that in the low light and the lack of anyone to tell me I was drinking too much, I may have gotten it just a bit too tight from front to back. I say this ‘cause I noticed that the fabric didn’t actually touch the middle section of the seat, and when I pushed down on the tight area the front of the seat lifted off of the tank a little bit, then settled down as I removed my hand. If I did it several times in quick succession, I could make it look like the seat was talking.

    Apparently the libations and the lateness of the hour had quelled my sense of quality control…”eh, it’ll stretch out” I thought. Eventually the fire died and I headed to bed.
    I slept later than usual probably aided by the previous evenings indulgences, so the Sun was up and warming the sand nicely as I brewed some morning coffee and took a fairly cold and thus very quick shower.

    The morning Sun is beautiful out here and while I had no idea what I was gonna do today until Matt and Lynn came back, I was nonetheless anxious to get on with it. So, I wrapped a towel around myself, grabbed my cup of coffee and stepped out into the sand. Well actually, my boots were right by the trailer door, so I slipped them on so as not to get the sand in my toes.
    So there I stood, in towel and boots drinking my morning coffee wondering what to do. After all… I had ridden, peed on lizards, heard canyon echoes, not quite started a landslide, and took pictures of everything in sight…what was left? I mean, what would you do if you were in the middle of the desert with nobody around for miles and miles? What would you do if you knew no one would see you, or ever know? C’mon, think about it. Well? Would you ride naked? Now before you pass judgment, those of you without sin may cast the first stone.

    I only thought about it for a second then for some reason, which I still question today, I grabbed my helmet from the table, after all, I already had my boots on, whisked away the towel and strode in quite manly fashion over to the Yamaha. A little choke and a kick or two and I was ready to be adventurous in the extreme, or in the “buff” depending on your point of view. And yes, this is quite “ballsy” I know. Off I rode on the pegs and even lofting the front end over the ditch just outside of camp.

    Now I gotta tell ya that the first thing ya notice standing on the pegs going through the whoops are well, two things. The first is how “unsecured” things are, and of course the second is how breezy it is. But after a minute or two of timidness, it was actually quite liberating, so to speak. Now being a racer, I’m not the kind to bounce laboriously through the desert sand whoops, and neither would you be, so I picked up the speed a bit…just a little bit… after all, what could happen?

    I couldn’t help but smile at my own debauchery, out in the wide open, moving through my surroundings like any other of nature’s creatures (except for the helmet and boots of course). Ah the freedom. It only lasted a few minutes though, for even out here I have some modesty, or fear maybe.
    So not wanting to press my luck with the chance of a passing park ranger or spy satellite, I turned to head back to the trailer a couple hundred meters in the distance. Relaxing a bit, I sat down and rode on toward camp. I remember that the new slightly-over-tight seat cover was startlingly cold.

    Seeing the upcoming row of Joshua trees that surrounded the camp and the ditch that preceded them, I naturally stood up, just as any of you would have done. But there was a problem. Remember how I told ya of the slightly-over-tight seat cover causing the seat to open and close on the tank when weight was applied in the middle?
    Well guys, believe me when I tell ya it only took a split second to realize that my …uh…”freedom”…became instantly caught in the junction between the seat and tank when I tried to stand up. Yikes!
    Off throttle, and on the brakes, I reached down to pry the seat away from the grip it had on my “you know what”.
    But it was too late. Oh I came free all right, snatched free is more like it. The bike hit the dip, and with only one hand on the bars, I found myself not only harshly wrenched free of the bike but suddenly I was taking those super giant steps one takes when he tries to run at speeds faster than a naked man in motorcycle boots can actually run while holding his raw manhood and trying to avoid any contact with a tumbling exhaust pipe…with a motorcycle attached. In a second it was all over. My steps couldn’t keep up with my speed, and I was down. Thankfully, I wasn’t going that fast.

    So there I sat, mercifully uninjured… that is… uninjured other than experiencing the feeling of a freshly peeled banana…that had been dropped in the sand (if ya get my meaning). Yeah, I was covered in it. But I immediately realized the hilarity of my situation and burst into laughter. Believe me, if I was glad nobody was there to see me start this little jaunt, I was really glad that there was nobody here to see me now, naked but for boots and helmet, covered in sand, and having just crashed my bike due to an incident of “scrotal impingement”.

    Well after I’d had a good guffaw at myself, it was time to get back to the trailer to resume a normal life and put all this adventuresome nonsense behind me. As it turns out, “behind me” is exactly where I shoulda been looking. Still chuckling, I rolled onto my hands and knees and stood up to go retrieve my YZ when suddenly something bit me right on my arse! Something big! Fire shot through my backside like I’d sat on a hot exhaust pipe! Now I’m spinning around to see what bit me, doing the big step dance again, and clutching my inflamed bum. Only as I slapped my own butt the palms of my hands also immediately stung in pain! What ta hell?! I’m being attacked! Then my quickly watering eyes focused on the offending aggressor…a big fat cactus plant! Oh no. I had narrowly missed it in the fall but had scrapped my bottom against it as I stood up like a cat rubbing against coffee table. Now I had a hundred little hair like spines in both my cheeks and in the palms of my hands. How could it get any worse?

    After standing there for a moment tears running down my face both from the fire that was lit under my backside and the ensuing laughter, I suddenly realized that my situation had not greatly improved.
    I’m 50 meters from the trailer. The bike is down and I can’t pick it up due to the tiny spikes in my hands. My butt’s on fire and I couldn’t ride the bike even if I could pick it up. The only thing left to do was leave the bike, walk to the trailer, find the tweezers…and a mirror, dislodge the tiny needles from my tender skin, and come back for the bike. This was getting worse by the minute.

    Fortunately we always leave the first aid kit in a hold on the outside of the trailer for quick access in emergencies such as these…well, we’ve never had an emergency such as this before, but whatever. I quickly found the kit, gently pried it open with just my finger tips and was bent over rummaging through its contents when I heard a terrible sound just behind me…the slamming of a car door! I froze.

    Perhaps if I didn’t move, whoever it was wouldn’t see me. Inside my helmet, my widened eyes darted right to left. What to do? What to do?
    “Patman”? It was Lynn’s voice, calm, but with just a hint of a giggle. Then I heard a second card door slam shut…and laughter, lots of laughter…it was Matt. I quickly stood and turned to find myself embarrassingly close and face to face with Matt’s wife. I of course tried to strike a dignified pose, but under the circumstances, it was impossible. And a cover-up was out of the question due to the spines in my hands. I certainly couldn’t stand another “impingement”.

    She stood there calmly looking me directly in the eye, with just a slight twitching smile, obviously struggling to hold back laughter. Past her in the background, Matt was laughing so hard he was leaning against the truck hardly able to catch his breath. After an agonizingly long pause she asked, “Is that your bike over there?” “Yep”, I said, never breaking eye-to-eye contact with her.
    “Everything OK?” she queried, now with a slight quiver in her voice from the strain of composure. “Yep” I answered again. “We brought you some breakfast…” she said.
    Her gaze slipped downward, and she then added ”…sausages”.
    No sooner had the words escaped her lips when she too burst into hysterical laughter.

    I suppose it all ended OK after everybody got their laugh. Matt of course wouldn’t come anywhere near my pincushion behind, but allowed Lynn to assist me in this prickly situation. We all agreed that for 100 air filter cleanings nobody would ever mention this again. Hopefully they just lost their leverage.

    Happy New Year.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    GTG, wolfy, mhomadness and 11 others like this.
    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

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  2. #2
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    I am s-o-o-o-o very lucky that I have never met you in person!
    Otherwise I would be getting a long, strong, ugly visual...
    Be careful, like that!
    TWilight and Dryden-Tdub like this.
    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

    Hidden Content

  3. #3
    GTG
    GTG is offline
    Senior Member GTG's Avatar
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    Any chance of getting a link to the original post Darth? I'd like to share this elsewhere, with the appropriate attribution.
    "200 cubic centimeters of raw whining power,
    no outstanding warrants for my arrest.
    hi diddle dee dee.
    god damn!
    the pirate's life for me!"

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  5. #4
    Senior Member TopPredator's Avatar
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    Funny story and well written I could almost imagine myself in that situation. I've never been seriously pricked by a cactus other then those cute little fuzzy ones. You know the ones you squeeze between your fingers when you were a kid. Then of course I had to dare my friends to try it.
    Rick
    TWilight likes this.

  6. #5
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GTG View Post
    Any chance of getting a link to the original post Darth? I'd like to share this elsewhere, with the appropriate attribution.
    It was about 8-9 years ago, but I'll see if I can find anything.
    His name was Pat-something, handle "Patman" but I don't think he's still there at the KLR group.
    He owned a small dirt bike shop north of Dallas as I recall.

    I think it was also on ADV.
    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

    Hidden Content

  7. #6
    Senior Member Jon62602's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darth View Post
    It was about 8-9 years ago, but I'll see if I can find anything.
    His name was Pat-something, handle "Patman" but I don't think he's still there at the KLR group.
    He owned a small dirt bike shop north of Dallas as I recall.

    I think it was also on ADV.
    This him? View Profile: patman - Yamaha TW200 Forum
    Jon
    2007 Yamaha TW200Hidden Content
    Tusk D Flex Handguards, ProTaper Pillow Top grips, Yamaha crossbar pad

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  8. #7
    GTG
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    Ok, in that case, don't worry about it. Thanks for sharing!
    "200 cubic centimeters of raw whining power,
    no outstanding warrants for my arrest.
    hi diddle dee dee.
    god damn!
    the pirate's life for me!"

  9. #8
    Senior Member phelonius's Avatar
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    He's lucky he didn't drag his digereedoo across the cactus.
    Darth likes this.
    Phelonius

  10. #9
    Senior Member ssgtrillium's Avatar
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    Great story.I have done a lot of canoe tripping alone so I can relate to the type of boredom he was going through.LOL.
    Darth likes this.

  11. #10
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jon62602 View Post
    Sorry Jon, that's not him.
    Jon62602 likes this.
    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)


    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

    Hidden Content

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