The Office Christmas Party
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Thread: The Office Christmas Party

  1. #1
    Senior Member Darth's Avatar
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    Nov 2013
    Timbercreek Canyon, Texas

    The Office Christmas Party

    WARNING: If F-Bombs upset you, you might want to stop right here!

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

    TO: All Employees.

    DATE: 1 November, 2018.

    RE: Christmas Party.

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on 23rd. December starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

    This gathering is only for employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.



    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

    TO: All Employees.

    DATE: 2 November, 2018.

    RE: Holiday Party.

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

    However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

    There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas Carols will be sung.

    We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Are you happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.



    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

    TO: All Employees.

    DATE: 3 November, 2018.

    RE: Holiday Party.

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.

    I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this?


    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe$10 is a little stingy.




    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

    To: All Employees.

    DATE: 4 November, 2018.

    RE: Generic Holiday Party.

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that 20th.December is the start of the Muslim Holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

    There goes the party!

    Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in little aluminum foil doggy bags. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.

    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

    There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?



    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

    TO: All Fucking Employees.

    DATE: 5 November, 2018.

    RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.

    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you assholes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

    But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT EFFING NOW!’

    The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die.



    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.

    DATE: 6 November , 2018.

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    So ‘Fuck the lot of you and Happy Whatever!’

    "Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
    - Hunter S. Thompson

    “It’s more fun to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow”.

    "The less horsepower a motorcycle has, the more it can teach you.” - Ben Bostrom

    And though a mountain may rise up and smack the livin' shit outta me,
    and wad up my bike somethin' awful...
    Still, I rise!
    (With apologies to Maya Angelou)

    "Give a Damn"
    - C. M. Howe, Jr.

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  2. #2
    Senior Member Miaugi's Avatar
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    Alfred, On
    Sounds like your standard forward thinking company in today's gotta please everyone world! God help us all!
    Hidden Content Sold...Oct 2018......'01 F650GS

  3. #3
    Senior Member NVcowboy's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    Spring Creek, NV
    That must be the company that makes participation trophies.
    Next season, tryouts! If you don't make the team, too effing bad. Practice and try again next year. If you still don't make the team, join the effing marching band.
    Happy Holidays everyone
    Yours truly,
    The Effing Cowboy.
    If you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk. - Tuco Juan Ramierez aka "The Rat"
    There's 2 kinds of people in this world, those with guns, and those who dig. You dig. - The Man with No Name

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  5. #4
    Senior Member grewen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miaugi View Post
    Sounds like your standard forward thinking company in today's gotta please everyone world! God help us all!
    which God might that be?? EH!!

    2019 honda cb500x
    2018 honda grom
    2018 suzuki dr200

  6. #5
    Senior Member stagewex's Avatar
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    HaHa, Good One.
    Darth and Smitty Blackstone like this.
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  7. #6
    Senior Member Miaugi's Avatar
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    Alfred, On
    Quote Originally Posted by grewen View Post
    which God might that be?? EH!!
    LOL....take your pick because it seems we're all in the same sinking boat.
    Hidden Content Sold...Oct 2018......'01 F650GS

  8. #7
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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