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  1. #1
    Senior Member tcepilot's Avatar
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    Joker Central

    Use this thread to share your best jokes and funniest stories. Comments are allowed.
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    --- Psalm 23 Verses 4-5 ----

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil,
    for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

    You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed
    my head with oil; My cup overflows. (New American Standard Bible)

  2. #2
    Senior Member TW-Brian's Avatar
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    A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
    owned by the Ajax Company.
    In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus:
    "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
    fine?"
    Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded
    my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."
    ..."I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
    the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
    fine!'?"
    Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
    down da road..."
    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to
    establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
    police on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the
    accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
    tell him to simply answer the question."
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said
    to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
    cow, Bessie."
    Sven said: "Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust
    loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down
    de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
    sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
    ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
    "By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to
    move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a
    groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
    "Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
    could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her.
    After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
    shot her right between the eyes.
    "Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
    and said, 'How are you feelin?'
    "Now wot da fock vud you say?"

  3. #3
    Senior Member Borneo's Avatar
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    Guy in his 50's goes into a Yamaha dealer and buys a TW200. Says he is getting it "for his wife".
    Twelve rules will get you through life with style.
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    Senior Member plumbstraight's Avatar
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    A couple in their 80's were having an anniversary dinner together. The woman lovinly asks her husband, "do you remember when we first came to this restaurant and you took me out behind and put me against the fence? He smiled in rememberance and said, oh yes honey, I remember that. She asked, do you think we could try that again? He said well honey, I don't know but we can try. Well an officer was sitting at the bar and over heard them and figured that he would go out and make sure no one bothered them, like why not, they are in they're eighty's, married, what is the harm. They got all situated and he put her up against the fence and for twenty minutes they just went after it. The officer couldn't believe it. Well they collapsed to the ground and after a few minutes regained they're composer and put themselves back together and came walking out. The officer just had to ask the old feller and told them that he had overheard they're conversation and why he was there. He asked, mister, what is your secret? Never in my life would I expect a man your age perform like that. The old man said, well sir, 65 years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.
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  6. #5
    Senior Member Fred's Avatar
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    Not everything is made in China these days, I heard people come from VaChina.
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  7. #6
    Senior Member plumbstraight's Avatar
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    for all her days as a blond nothing went right. Always there was something that she did that just ruined her day. She thought, I will dye my hair, maybe that will make a difference. So the next week after the hair doo and becoming a brunette, each day was a blessing. Nothing went wrong, she went home happy and smiling. Come the weekend she decided that she would take a ride in her shiny sports car out into the countryside and enjoy the beautiful day.
    She came across a field of sheep and being spring there were several lambs running around jumping and playing. She thought how wonderful, they are so cute, I would just love to have one for myself. She stopped and asked the man in the field if she could buy one. He told her that he was just the fellow that watched over them and that he could not sell her one. She looked so dejected that he felt sorry for her. He said to her, lady, tell you what, you tell me how many sheep in the pasture and I will give you one and tell the owner a coyote took one. She surveyed the field and spit out a number. The fellow said, oh my, don't know how you guessed that, but you are right on, fill your arms. She was so joyed that she filled her arms and off to the car she went. The man called to her and she turned to him, He asked, lady, if I tell you your true hair color, will you bring my dog back?

  8. #7
    Senior Member Borneo's Avatar
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    Friend of mine was walking down the street the other day and slipped in dog poop. Few seconds later another guy comes by and slips in the poop. My friend says "I just did that" so the guy punched him and called him a jerk.
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  9. #8
    Senior Member scotti158's Avatar
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    Why does a mermaid wear sea shells.............because B shells are too small and D shells are too big!
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    2013 Yamaha TW200

    1996 Yamaha TW200

    1995 Kawasaki KLR650

    2002 Yamaha RoadStar 1600 with sidecar

  10. #9
    Senior Member rurlndum's Avatar
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    On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

    "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

    "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
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  11. #10
    Senior Member Borneo's Avatar
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    Rurlndum, that is a version of an old Jerry Clower story. Anyone who has never heard Jerry should treat themselves. He was a master.

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