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Friday Morning Wisdom



Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.



Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.



Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.



Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.



Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.



Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.



Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.



Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.



Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.



Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.



Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".



Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"



Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.



Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.



Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.



Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.



Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.



Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.



Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.



Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?



Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 

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Unfortunately, the longer we live, the more of them we see come true. Thanks for the humor.
Mel
 

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My wife and I were rolling reading these. Thanks
 
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