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Use this thread to share your best jokes and funniest stories. Comments are allowed.
 
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A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus:
"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded
my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."

..."I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said
to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
cow, Bessie."

Sven said: "Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down
de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to
move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin?'

"Now wot da fock vud you say?"
 

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A couple in their 80's were having an anniversary dinner together. The woman lovinly asks her husband, "do you remember when we first came to this restaurant and you took me out behind and put me against the fence? He smiled in rememberance and said, oh yes honey, I remember that. She asked, do you think we could try that again? He said well honey, I don't know but we can try. Well an officer was sitting at the bar and over heard them and figured that he would go out and make sure no one bothered them, like why not, they are in they're eighty's, married, what is the harm. They got all situated and he put her up against the fence and for twenty minutes they just went after it. The officer couldn't believe it. Well they collapsed to the ground and after a few minutes regained they're composer and put themselves back together and came walking out. The officer just had to ask the old feller and told them that he had overheard they're conversation and why he was there. He asked, mister, what is your secret? Never in my life would I expect a man your age perform like that. The old man said, well sir, 65 years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.
 

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Not everything is made in China these days, I heard people come from VaChina.
 
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for all her days as a blond nothing went right. Always there was something that she did that just ruined her day. She thought, I will dye my hair, maybe that will make a difference. So the next week after the hair doo and becoming a brunette, each day was a blessing. Nothing went wrong, she went home happy and smiling. Come the weekend she decided that she would take a ride in her shiny sports car out into the countryside and enjoy the beautiful day.
She came across a field of sheep and being spring there were several lambs running around jumping and playing. She thought how wonderful, they are so cute, I would just love to have one for myself. She stopped and asked the man in the field if she could buy one. He told her that he was just the fellow that watched over them and that he could not sell her one. She looked so dejected that he felt sorry for her. He said to her, lady, tell you what, you tell me how many sheep in the pasture and I will give you one and tell the owner a coyote took one. She surveyed the field and spit out a number. The fellow said, oh my, don't know how you guessed that, but you are right on, fill your arms. She was so joyed that she filled her arms and off to the car she went. The man called to her and she turned to him, He asked, lady, if I tell you your true hair color, will you bring my dog back?
 

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Friend of mine was walking down the street the other day and slipped in dog poop. Few seconds later another guy comes by and slips in the poop. My friend says "I just did that" so the guy punched him and called him a jerk.
 

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Why does a mermaid wear sea shells.............because B shells are too small and D shells are too big! :love-struck:
 

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On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
 

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Rurlndum, that is a version of an old Jerry Clower story. Anyone who has never heard Jerry should treat themselves. He was a master.

 

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A typical yuppette wandered through a shoemaker's shop in new Orleans, and found herself jonesing for some alligator shoes. Being the typical self-centered tripe yuppettes typically are, she tried to argue the shoemaker down, but he wouldn't budge. Growing weary of what she perceived as his obstinate attitude, she finally screamed that she would go get her own alligator shoes, and stomped out, trailing a long string of epithets on the way out.

One his way home that evening the shoemaker noticed the yuppette standing in a waste deep bayou, shotgun in in hand. He pulled over to check on her, and noticed a 12-foot gator heading straight at her. The yuppette also noticed the gator, shouldered the shotgun, and blasted it right between the eyes. Then, with great effort, she dragged the gator up on the bank next to a half dozen others, flipped him belly up, then cut loose with "$^&%$%^ gator! He doesn't have and #$^&%$ shoes on, either!"
 

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Did you now that 90% of all Harleys built are still on the road today?.........................................The other 10% actually made it home!! (Sorry Harley owners):D
 

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The unfortunate kindergarten teacher was stuck with the old-time hillbilly 5-year old whose family believed in only bathing on Saturdays. Unfortunately, this particular child had a little problem with shutting the spigot firmly off after relieving himself (notice I didn't say "Using the restroom" as the child had not a clue what a restroom is) and he smell of stale urine was sickening long before the end of the week. The teacher asked the child if he could put on clean underwear every day, hoping to reduce the stench. Made no difference. The following Friday the teacher asked they boy if he had been putting on clean underwear every day. "Yes'm," answered the boy, "but it sure was hard getting my jeans on this morning."
 
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Why do the British drink warm beer? Lets here your answers. (Hint, it's another motorcycle joke.)
 

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Fresh from her shower, the wife stood in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of automatically telling her it’s not true, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, she tore off some toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They will grow larger over a period of years”, he replies.

She stops and asks, “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he replies, “Worked for your ass didn’t it?”
 

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In 1920 the U. S. Post Office ruled that children could not be sent by parcel post. Makes one wonder what the heck was going on in 1999?
 
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