TW200 Forum banner

1 - 20 of 1666 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,819 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Time to resurrect a humor thread. Got any good stories, gags, jokes? Here is a repeat of one I posted on average age thread. Surely you folks have better ones, let's hear them!
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Hear tell there was a happily married couple both 65 celebrating their wedding anniversary when a wish granting fairy showed up anxious to give them each a wish. Well the wife said she was happy as can be, thanks anyways. The husband ponders for a minute then sheepishly says that he would kinda prefer a wife 30 years younger than him. "OK" says the fairy and "POOF" suddenly the man is 95 years old.
Just goes to show be careful what you wish for and be aware that fairies are female.;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,367 Posts
Albert Einstein didn't have a driver's license so he had to ride the bus to get back and forth to his job at the university. He was a sociable guy and he like to talk to the other passengers, but he always tried to keep his conversation to their level. He got on the bus one day and asked the fellow sitting next to him "If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is"? The fellow says 170 so Einstein says "Well I'm Albert Einstein, have you heard of my theory of relativity" and they discussed that for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a young woman sitting next to him, so he asks her "If you don't mind, do you know what your I Q is"? She said 120, so Einstein says "So what do you think of the political situation in the country" and they talked politics for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a guy sitting there and Einstein asks him "If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is'? The guy say 70, so Einstein says "So, did you get your deer yet"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
52 Posts
MY FIRST IRISH DRINK WITH MY SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,362 Posts
A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.





Tom
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
363 Posts
Two old men on the corner and one sez "you know, I think my wife has died". The other sez"what do you mean you THINK your wife has died "? "Well," the first one says, "the sex is about the same as it always wuz, but the dishes are piling up."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,362 Posts
So a second year engineering student walked down the campus and saw his class mate with a shiny new bike and he ask: Wow that's a nice bike, when did you get that?

His classmate answered: You won't believe this, I was just walking along and a good looking blond girl with this bike stopped right in front of me. She then proceeds to take off her cloth and said "take whatever you want".

The engineering student applauded his classmate: Great choice, her cloth won't fit you anyways.




Tom
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,362 Posts
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"


Tom
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,371 Posts
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.



She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”



She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine!



Now give me your height and position.”



She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”



"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven....."





 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,819 Posts
Discussion Starter #14

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles to the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.


"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on, baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"


The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement


She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.


The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"


"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,819 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
And of course we should have some lawyer jokes in honor of out learned barrister friend Borneo ( lawyers tend to have the best lawyer jokes anyways).
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... th-17.jpeg
........................................
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Borneo, are you an *honest* lawyer?'
'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.'
'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?'
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,819 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
OK, since Tom gave us engineer jokes on National Engineers Day how about another one:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer then said, "Why can't these guys play at night?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,371 Posts
BUMP!

The Gates;

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in."

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."


“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. St. Peter replied, "No -- The Pearly Gates."
 
1 - 20 of 1666 Posts
Top