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An Amish Man, Amos Stolfus goes to NY City. He's never been to a big city. He's never even seen a tall building.
While waiting in the lobby he watches an older woman go into the elevator. A minute later the door opens and a pretty young lady exits.
A few minutes later another older woman goes into the elevator and wouldn't you know in a few minutes a pretty woman comes out.

So Amos leans over to his son and says, "Jacob, go and get your mother."
 

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Two old guys, one named Garry 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.


The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.


The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.


He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard!"


He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
 

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What goes....clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?
clomp, clomp, clomp, squish..
clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?






give up?










Ok, ok...
*An elephant with water in one of his tennis shoes.
:)
 
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Nominated for the:

^^dumbest joke of the day award^^
 
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O Oh...

Just got warned by the moderators to keep this kind of crap out of here. It didn't meet up to "basement" website standards... ;)
 
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Discussion Starter #29
Geez, I was going to tease Borneo that Illinois has some pretty silly laws until I started looking at California's stupid laws; Bananachunk's San Francisco may take the cake with the following: [h=3]San Francisco[/h]
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
 
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Discussion Starter #30
Hollywood is not far behind..[h=3]Hollywood[/h]
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
 
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Discussion Starter #31
But let's not forget Illinois: Personally I like that it is illegal in Chicagp to fish from the neck of a giraffe.





Illinois Crazy Law

The English language is not to be spoken.


You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.


You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.

Chicago


It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.


In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.


Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


Kites may not be flown within the city limits.


It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.


Spitting is forbidden


It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

Champaign


One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

Cicero


Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.

Crete


Cars may not be driven through the town.

Des Plaines


Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

Eureka


A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

Evanston


It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.


Bowling is forbidden.


It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

Fairfield


It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.

Freeport


It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.

Galesburg


There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

Homer


It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.

Joliet


Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.

Kenilworth


A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.

Kirkland


Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.

Moline


Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.


There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

Morton Grove


You may not own a handgun

Normal


It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

Orland Prak


No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.

Ottawa


Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.

Park Ridge


Trucks may only park inside closed garages.

Peoria


Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.

Zion


It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
To be fair Nevada tries hard to legislate looniness too:.


[h=2]Nevada Crazy Law[/h]It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.


It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
[h=3]Clark County[/h]
An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.

[h=3]Elko[/h]
Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.

[h=3]Eureka[/h]
Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

[h=3]Nyala[/h]
A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
My mistake, wrong state. And I thought this was going to be as easy as catching kangaroo.
 

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Discussion Starter #36
Indiana is no better, no baths permitted between October and March..and if Hoot visits he better not habitually kiss other humans.


[h=2]Indiana Crazy Law[/h]
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.


Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.


All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.


Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.


Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.


State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.


Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.


A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.


It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.


Drinks on the house are illegal.


It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.


A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)


Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.


Liquor stores may not sell milk.


Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.


Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.


You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.


Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.


No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.


Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.


You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.


"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.


You are required to pour your drink into a glass.


It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.


If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.


Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.


A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.


The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

[h=3]Auburn[/h]
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

[h=3]Beech Grove[/h]
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

[h=3]Elkhart[/h]
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

[h=3]Evansville[/h]
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

[h=3]Fort Wayne[/h]
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

[h=3]Gary[/h]
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

[h=3]South Bend[/h]
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

[h=3]Terre Haute[/h]
No one may spit on the sidewalk.
 

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There is no "Normal" in Illinois, so we know the whole post is a joke.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
Nice to know Croatoan, I thought my troubles driving through FEE-NICKS once were just because I was there on a bad day. Bad late night actually...somehow an hour plus of multiple freeway detours and crawling through cone zones had brought me back where I started, I almost cried.
 

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View attachment 13207


1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS'. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the 'I-10' are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. If it's snow bird season all rules are off and it's every man for himself.


How about this one Cro.

If you are NOT a frequent flyer that resides in Phoenix AND you manage to get to your terminal at the airport WITHOUT driving completely around said airport at least twice. You will be burned at the stake because you MUST be some sort of evil witch.


Tom
 
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I hate that damned airport!


Tom
 
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