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BEST JOKE EVER.... (a long one)

The footlocker

St Peter was interviewing the latest admissions. He came to the next fellow in line and said:
"Here in heaven, we welcome one and all...you have been judged as worthy to enter the Kingdom, but first, you must tell me about your last day on earth."
The first entrant starts:
"Well, it was my usual busy day...I work for a Heating/Air Conditioning contractor and I was making my last call of the day; had 6 up till then, so I was anxious to get this one done and go home!
I just finished re-assembling the rooftop unit that I had repaired when I took a step back and tripped over my toolbox and fell over the edge of the building. In desperation, I reached out for anything to grab and luckily, I grabbed onto a banister on the top floor. Then, this guy opens the sliding door, but instead of helping me...he starts yelling at me and beating on my fingers with a flowerpot! The pain was so bad, that I let go.
I knew this was the end for me, so I just closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable THUD at the bottom...hoping it wouldn't hurt too much, but suddenly I went through an awning...then another...and another...and each time I did, it slowed my fall to the point where I hit the last one and simply bounced out and landed on my feet on the sidewalk.
I was so relieved that I held my hands to the sky, as if to thank my guardian angel...then out of nowhere, this footlocker comes crashing down upon me and killed me...and here I am!"
"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed St Peter. "That was quite the day you had....well, come on in and make yourself at home...you'll love it here!"

Then St Peter turned to the next fellow in line and said: "Here in heaven, we welcome one and all...you have been judged as worthy to enter the Kingdom, but first, you must tell me about your last day on earth."
The man smiled and said:
"Well, it started out as any other day...I'm the CEO of a large Fortune 500 company and we were poised to make a hostile takeover today. I kissed my wife goodbye and left the house at the same time I always do. When I got to the office, things didn't seem right...people were carrying stuff out in boxes, some of the women were crying, even some of the guys! I got to 'my office' and was told that OUR company was the victim of the takeover and that my services were no longer needed!
Twenty five years I gave to that place and now they toss me out like I'm nothing! Well, you can imagine that I was quite upset by all of this...my wife and I were planning a big trip next month but now it seems that everything had changed. I thought I should deliver the news to her myself before she heard about it on the radio or TV. I stopped by the florist first, to get her a bouquet of carnations; her favorite.
When I got home, she wasn't in the Living room...but I could hear noise coming from our upstairs bedroom. I ran up the stairs, and I could hear a commotion going on in there...I kicked the door open and sure enough...she was in bed! I looked under the bed...in the closet...in the ensuite...but couldn't find him anywhere. Then I open the sliding door and saw him hanging by the banister! In a fit of rage, I grabbed the first thing I saw - a flower pot - and started beating on his fingers until he let go. I watched him falling but then he went through one awning, then another, and another...until he bounces off the last one and lands on his feet. Then, he starts motioning to me with his hands as if to mock me...so I grabbed the nearest thing I could find - my old Army footlocker - and heaved it over the rail, where I watched it plummet down to earth and kill him.
When I realized what I had just done, and how I would be found GUILTY...I went to my nightstand, grabbed my gun and blew my brains out...and here I am!"
"Oh my" said St Peter "That is awful...well, come on in and make yourself at home...you'll love it here!"

Then St Peter turned to the next man and said: ""Here in heaven, we welcome one and all...you have been judged as worthy to enter the Kingdom, but first, you must tell me about your last day on earth."
The third man shrugged his shoulders and started:
" Well, it started out just like every other day, for the past four weeks...you see, about a month ago, I met this beautiful gal at the bar one afternoon. She was going on about how her husband was some big shot CEO and bragged about all her money, but I could tell she was lonely. After chatting her up for a while, she invites me back to her place...her old man leaves early and comes home late, so we have the place all to ourselves for most of the day.
Let me tell you...for an older gal, she sure knew her stuff...the sex was GREAT and it was always something new...like she never had the chance to experience this stuff with her own husband.
Anyways, this morning she calls me just after 7:00 to let me know that he was gone and the coast was clear, so I went over at 8:00 and we made our way to the bedroom. About an hour later, we hear the front door unlock and can hear him calling...then I can hear him running up the stairs!"
"Oh no" exclaimed St Peter. "What did you do then?"
"I hid in this old footlocker...and here I am!"
 

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Is "BUTTCHEEKS" one word, or should I spread them apart?
It depends if you are taking the bar exam or being examined behind bars.
 

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The Pirate.

A couple was walking along the docks when they encountered a pirate. They were awed by his outfit, complete with hook-hand, eye-patch and peg-leg.
After staring at him for a while, they struck up a conversation.
"What happened to your leg?" asked the woman.
"Arrrr, I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Madagascar....took a cannon-ball just below the knee and the doc fixed me up with a nice wooden leg."
"That's astounding! What about the hook?"
"Aye...I lost me 'and in a sword fight with the captain of another ship we had boarded. I got his ship, but he took me 'and as 'is trophy 'e did."
"How did you lose your eye...if you don't mind my asking?" asked the man.
"Well" said the pirate, "We were rounding the Cape of Good 'ope when the crowsnest called 'bout another ship....when I looked up to see where 'e was pointing, a seagull pooped in me eye!"
"I've never heard of losing an eye over bird droppings" the man asked puzzled.
"No....but that was the day AFTER I got me new hook."
 

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Proof you gotta' watch out for them left hooks!;)
 

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Superman is flying along the coast when he spots Wonder Woman lying naked at the edge of the shore line.
He looks up and down the coast, sees no one else, so he flies down and has his way with her for about two hours.
He leans back on his knees, wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Whew, that was great for me Wonder Woman! How was it for you?"
To which she replies "I don't know, you will have to ask The Invisible Man!"
 

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Why Adam, what big "L-eyes" you have!
 

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That reminded me of a joke... a Farmer is doing chores near his house when a vehicle pulls up and out steps a man in a suit. He walks up to the Farmer and says

"Mister, I'm with the DEA and I'm going to need to search your property for illicit crops."

The Farmer replies "Well, ok I guess, but whatever you do, don't go in that field over there!"

The DEA agent turns to the Farmer frustrated and angrily says "You see this?" And pulls out his badge "This means I do whatever I want and nobody can do anything to stop me, understand?!"

So the agent walks over to the field the Farmer pointed out and out of nowhere, the farmers giant prized bull runs at full speed at the agent, the agent is sprinting but the bull is catching up and looks as thought he might actually gore him.

The Farmer quickly runs to the fence and starts yelling at the agent...

"Show him your badge! Show him your badge!"
 

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It was so cold this morning I saw two rabbits stopped on the side of the road. One was trying to jump the other one off!
 
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