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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years...to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
 

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Tell the Brits to bring it on. We are ready for them. Haven't lost our "Bow" fingers and we've got better toys now then ever. Plus, we ain't pansies.

Or Panty Waists as my Dad always said.

Bring it on honey. We can dance just fine.
 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
Hooray! That means I won't have to hunt for up to date coverage! Go Scotland!

cricket.scotland.jpg
 

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Not willing to be a "subject"

I, for one, would welcome ALL of those changes...with a smile on my face.
As I said, we are looking for a Flat or Cottage on the Isle of Man (IOM), which is NOT part of the UK, but is under the sovereignty of the Queen.

And I too would cheer on Scotland in the cricket matches :)
It's a nice thought those Brit's have there but I'm an American and not willing to be a "subject".
 

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Will the queen host some good reality TV shows?
"Who Wants to Snog a Duchess" would be a good one.
 

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Will the queen host some good reality TV shows?
"Who Wants to Snog a Duchess" would be a good one.
If the Duchess was a red-head - I think she'd go for it .......
 

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Purple: I'm to understand that are two paths in education in the U.K. In other words little Billie wants to work on Lorries and little Jerry wants to plant the Union Jack on Mars. They are then steered toward the best path to give
them both a go for a good job.
 

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Purple: I'm to understand that are two paths in education in the U.K. In other words little Billie wants to work on Lorries and little Jerry wants to plant the Union Jack on Mars. They are then steered toward the best path to give
them both a go for a good job.

There are many paths to education over here – once you are over 12 and have the “basics” – and if you realise at that age what you want to be when you grow up. Then you can work towards the qualifications you will need once you complete at 16, to enable you push towards further career specific qualifications by the time you are 18 – at which stage you either go to University to take it further, or maybe get put on a work experience programme leading to an apprenticeship.

For the guy who wants to plant a flag on Mars, I’d suggest “broad sciences” and advanced math until he’s 16, then concentrate on Physics, Biology, and Maths, a bit of computer programming in there – get good enough grades to take you to the University that has links to the space programme – which should result in a Masters and a contact list clamouring for your attention.

The guy who wants to work on trucks would be steered towards maths, physics and engineering from the age of 12 – repeat the above – and either he’ll end up working on them or designing them depending on how far he wants to take it.

This all implies of course, that “little Billie” has the ability, the staying power and determination to achieve all of this – but yes, he will have the full support of the state education system to achieve that career path from the age of 12.

Why do you ask ?
 

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There are many paths to education over here – once you are over 12 and have the “basics” – and if you realise at that age what you want to be when you grow up. Then you can work towards the qualifications you will need once you complete at 16, to enable you push towards further career specific qualifications by the time you are 18 – at which stage you either go to University to take it further, or maybe get put on a work experience programme leading to an apprenticeship.

For the guy who wants to plant a flag on Mars, I’d suggest “broad sciences” and advanced math until he’s 16, then concentrate on Physics, Biology, and Maths, a bit of computer programming in there – get good enough grades to take you to the University that has links to the space programme – which should result in a Masters and a contact list clamouring for your attention.

The guy who wants to work on trucks would be steered towards maths, physics and engineering from the age of 12 – repeat the above – and either he’ll end up working on them or designing them depending on how far he wants to take it.

This all implies of course, that “little Billie” has the ability, the staying power and determination to achieve all of this – but yes, he will have the full support of the state education system to achieve that career path from the age of 12.

Why do you ask ?
Because it seems a fine program for this country. I'm sure my Middle School Teacher Wife would agree.
 

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Because it seems a fine program for this country. I'm sure my Middle School Teacher Wife would agree.
The system is in place, but it takes a skilled “mentor” (we call them Tutors), to guide someone through what is after all, their “adolescent years” — I wonder how many succumb to fags and beer behind the bike shed and chasing girls.

I used to work at a central London College, where most of the students were 16 — 18 year olds, and I reckon that 30% would eventually “drop out” — either through grades or distractions. Sometimes it’s a case of ambition over natural ability — in others, it’s a case of “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” — but we never gave up on them.

We used to see “teachers” that would throw their hands in the air in despair — but we knew that was just “bollocks” — bad teacher, not the student. “Proper” teachers with degrees in teaching — that couldn’t find their own arse with both hands let alone relate to an individual. Guess that’s a talent you either have or don’t — it’s called “empathy”, and ultimately it leads to mutual respect. Without that respect it’s no good waving your degree around like some sort of “waiver” that puts all the responsibility on the student.

Doesn’t happen often, but as you can probably tell — used to get right up my nose.

But one of the important indicators to progression is “grades” — if the student shows that he or she is capable, then we’ll back them (often personally) to the hilt. If that’s not happening, then you have a “duty” to gently tell them the truth, and explain that truth to them, and to offer alternatives.

If you truly believe that someone can succeed, then go for it, with everything you’ve got.

But it’s equally as important not to set someone up to fail.

The teaching part is easy — it’s the bits in-between that can get complicated …….
 

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Here it seems like many students gets a trophy for just having a heartbeat, and stumble on knowing that "No Child Left Behind" will continue to lower standards to embrace the dullards as winners. Now we have presidential candidates that seem to imply a government paid 4 year university vacation followed by an entry position as a CEO of a major corporation are un-deniable rights. Glad things are better in the United Kingdom. Was talking to a Swedish friend last week who claims their heavy taxation and socialistic policies have dried up employment in the private sector so much that new graduates can only look forward to hopefully finding a government job or look overseas for employment.
 

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In recent years the “validation” of simply having a degree has had little effect – mostly on the “soft” degrees, such as “Political sciences” and the like – (expect employment from McDonalds - and to understand why) – there’s just too many of them.

Some students seem to look at education as a career, rather than as a means to an end. We also “dumbed down” the entry qualifications recently to Universities that were struggling to fill spaces that were largely subsidised, until they were stuffed with idiots that thought that a degree in hair dressing was a good idea – until they saw the amount of debt the degree had brought them into. No matter who you vote for, the government always wins, proving the theory that “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”.

Take the education system in this country seriously, and it has its rewards – take the piss, and you’re digging yourself into a hole.

But the “hard” degrees, engineering, the sciences etc, can expect to be successful in the end.

The more you put in, the more you get out.

I had a boss once that had an “Arts degree” – I politely refrained from telling her that that only qualified her for being a guide in the National Portraits Gallery.

I was once considering working for a Hedge Fund – until I found out that one of the board had a degree in Marine Biology - (think “crab”)

We have as many talented time wasters as we have career chasers – the career chasers win – the time wasters are exactly that ….
 
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